Don't Mess with Texas, Texas Baby

by john daniels, jr.

Characters

Houston Hare "The Rappin’ Rabbit" a wise guy with an attitude to match his rap-around reflective shades and ghetto blaster.

Texarkana Tortoise a "never let’em know what you know" straight shooter, complete with "Don’t Mess with Texas" bumper sticker on his carry around condo.

Waco the Dog a truely mischievous mutt with gold tooth and nameplate.

Odessa Owl a not so wise as bored and ready to break out of his/her three piece rule book and have some T-shirt laughs, fowl.

Dallas the dumber of two hunters. He is wearing over-sized boots and carrying an over-sized gun.

Ft. Worth the dumber of two hunters. He is wearing over-sized boots and carrying an over-sized gun. (cq) (Not a misprint)

C. C. Coyote a black hearted, black clad games player.

Austin 'Dillo Willie Nelson in a shell.

C. C. Coyote enters with a suitcase and chair. Scene 6

C. C. Coyote’s the name.

Catchin’ critters my character’s call.

Come, come... clap. Clap!

CC bows. Thank you. Thank you. HOUSTON comes around. Ah, here comes a creature! CC motions for the audience to be quiet. Children! As HOUSTON runs by. Can’t just clamor by.

Come here. Have some Candy!

HOUSTON stops, looks at CC and comes back. C. C. Coy... Ah, Kelly. CC looks at the audience and motions for silence. Kids! (to HOUSTON) C. C. Kelly’s the name.

My card.

CC starts to hand HOUSTON his card and then quickly pulls it back. You look like a game fellow.

Are you good at games by golly?

HOUSTON

The best.

Imagine that.

Would you,

Willingly,

Want to

Wildly wrestle wits with me?

HOUSTON

What?

A game dear boy.

Be beautifully bright

And break down your busy

Bleak, banal, trial and

Playfully pit yourself...

Por favor!

HOUSTON

Sure. What do you want to play?

HOUSTON looks around and sees TEX halfway around. I’ve got time.

Radical Rabbit.

Have you ever played can’t?

HOUSTON

Can’t?

Can’t continue your

Customary cavorting

And combining calamities without

A mandatory manipulation of can’t.

Now can you?

HOUSTON

No?

No!

CC moves the chair down center and places HOUSTON on it. CC opens his suitcase and pulls out a blindfold. He puts the blindfold on HOUSTON. Can you see?

HOUSTON

No.

CC slaps HOUSTON on the back of the head. Ouch!

Try again. CAN you see?

HOUSTON

CAN’T?

Clever, you catch on.

CC goes to the suitcase, pulls out two short ropes, and ties HOUSTON to the chair. Can you run away?

HOUSTON

Can’t.

Cowabunga!

CC goes to the suitcase and pulls out a pair of handcuffs. He puts them on HOUSTON. CC

Can you move your hands?

HOUSTON

Can’t. Am I ahead?

Oh, yes.

CC pulls a long rope out of the suitcase and wraps it around HOUSTON and the chair. Can you get away?

HOUSTON

Can’t.

Good. So let me ask you my

Bumbling, bound, bunny,

If I were to cut up your carcass

COULD you get away?

HOUSTON

(Happy he’s got the answer.) COULD not!

Good.

CC goes to the suitcase and pulls out a gag. He puts it in HOUSTON’s mouth. Can you scream for help? HOUSTON cannot answer. CC

Good.

TEX has come up behind the scene and is watching. CC

I just love games.

You know, Coyotes can’t

Turn down a good game

Try as they might.

HOUSTON reacts to the word "Coyote." And Coyotes can’t

Resist rabbit!

HOUSTON tries to get away. CC goes to his suitcase and gets things together for dinner.

TEX addresses the audience and asks if he should help HOUSTON. As soon as TEX can get a yes, he reaches into his shell and pulls out a whistle. TEX blows the whistle.

Why what whistle

Whizzes past, wishing

C. C. Coyote come?

TEX

It’s game day. Aren’t you ready?

Game day? What game?

TEX

This is Texas, boy! Football...the national sport!

(singing) The eyes of Texas are upon you,

You better catch that ball!

TEX pulls a football out of his shell and throws it at CC. CC drops the ball. TEX

A potential Aggie.

Not fair, fellow!

I don’t play physical football.

TEX

All coyotes play football.

I’m not from Alice.

TEX

It doesn’t matter. You’ve got to practice.

With whom?

There is a sound of something clamping shut and WACO screams.

Don't Mess with Texas, Texas Baby
discription page

john daniels, jr.
Phone: (512) 624-0497
Austin, Texas
john@johndanielsjr.com

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